Battling Fears

My mind is a battlefield, and battling fear is something I do. I battle more, like self-image, doubt, and trying to figure stuff out. The WHY of life. God's word says we battle not against flesh and blood, but against powers in high places. The powers in high places attack my mind, trying to bring confusion and general misery. I don't always win the battle, but with God, I will win the war.

What a desperate dreamer found:
Fantasies and hopes,
Well hidden,
Brought to light and aired.

And so uncovered, running rampant in my heart:
A battlefield of reality,
Littered with wounded dreams
And injured visions.

And I, like a hero,
Dodge exploding shells of doubt
And the gun fire of fear.
Racing onward, bravado,
To meet the stranger.

God's Promises Require Some Handholding

Like many folks these days, I am out of work. For me, this requires some spiritual discipline. I am prone to melancholy, and I always like to have a plan. The circumstances I am facing now mean I don't have a clue, let alone a plan. But I know one thing: God is good all the time.
So I stand up and keep on moving forward. I am doing all I can, apply for jobs and talking with my creditors about reduced payments. I like to be pro-active. I can't make it turn out all right, but I know God can.

God's Promise

Unknown, cautious movement.
A dark and sideless way.
Walking forward,
Yearning for arrival
And the shining light deliverance.

To what end, this walking,
In a hazy half light?
What mountains and pitfalls lie ahead?

Sustaining, the Lord's hand.
And this promise:
Though stumbling shall not fall

Asking Why on 9/11?

It's hard sometimes to understand that the merciful God we serve puts up with such fell events. I am sometimes tempted to ask "why", but not often, only because in my life I was usually too shocked, and could only pray "Lord, help me."

I know we live in a world of parallelled faith and unbelief. And unbelief yields fear and worry, leaving the heart like an abandon child with no guidance to grow on.

Wicked, wrong and villainous
They boarded on the plane
Practicing a ritual
To reach their heavens plain.

Treacherous, troubled, trickery,
He snuck into the school
Fired his anger in bullets of death
Uncivilized and cool.

Maleficent, malicious mother
Captured children, one by one,
And held them under water
Until each life was done.

Repellent, reprobate raper
Chased the woman as she ran,
Grabbed her collar in his fist,
Left her dead upon the sand.

“Something wicked this way comes”
A falling from the grace
Tattering the holy weave of man’s nature,
Abhorrent,
Void, the heart debased.

On this day, and always, I pray for those who live in unbelief, and for peace and joy to enter their hearts.

Are You Waiting on God?

I am. And there are days when I must exercise discipline in my spirit. My flesh is a big cry baby!


I am still confident of this:
That I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Be still, my flesh,
Take heart, my soul.
Having done all
Stand, and wait on the Lord.

He is faithful, always near.
While my heart yearns,
My eyes are on Him.
He is not slow.

I shut my eyes to the circumstance,
I hold tightly to the Word
Embedded in my thoughts,
Knowing the feeling like drowning
Does not mean I am.

I do not struggle,
Rather stretch out my arms.
Resting in the water
That keeps me afloat.

God is faithful, He is near.

Trusting God

Life is not always easy. Sometimes it's downright hard. I have been reflecting today on things that have happened to me, and my story is no different than any other. I have lost my job, buried a baby, found a friend who committed suicide, had to learn to accept "no" as an answer to prayer... but as I reflected on these things, I also remembered the goodness of God in each circumstance. Not once was I without hope or without comfort. God is good all the time. And I have this simple poem to share.

When the world turns to ashes
And my life seems but dust
In You, Oh Lord,
I place my trust.

God is Faithful

Consider Him who is faithful.

I turn dreams to heavy things,
Demanding, like a child.
I lose sight of vision
Staring at the present reality
As if it were the only one.

I seek the Lord for answers
Already given in the vision world
Of faith and certainty.
Oh faithless heart, distraction of my sight!
My soul grows faint in battle
With my soddened self.

I cry for mercy, relief from such a foe.
Mercy always comes. And such a sweet face.
The Lord smiles.
My soul finds rest in the gleam of His eye.
I stand again to move through one more day,
Just present reality,
And reach the vision set in trust for me.

Then there will be one more.

Patiently Wait

I guard my heart.
But it escapes to fires and fantasies.
It longs to spend the days
Dreaming.

Willful waif, this heart of mine,
Defies maturity at times,
Playful imp on brighter days
Desires to dance the time away.

I lead it gently back to me
Require it to sit quietly
Until the Lord calls out to me
To follow Him on calmer seas.

The Presence of God

Star-struck I am.
By the total goodness of God.
In everything, there is nothing
That does not shine with His brilliance.

No soft beauty that caresses my heart
Fails the touch of God:
He whispers on each warm wind,
Blazes in every rose,
Sparkles in each sun shower.

The kind word
Or compassionate touch
That passes between friends
Is the greeting of God's love.

The wonder is I'm woven into others.
A silken garment,
Embroidered with gold
And embellished God's love.

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Kicked in the Head

Did you ever pray, "God help me"
with..whatever you believe is lacking in your life.
Then:
Someone says a word and you listen
And think.
And realize.

A bat hits your heart as your head feels the blow;
And you understand
That God has helped you stop being…….
A jerk, a baby, a self-pity potter,....
And you become a person who knows that the only thing
Lacking in your life is you.

God Understands

God understands the heart of man.
I don't pretend to understand
Why God loves me, or even cares
Enough to smile on us.
We creep between our days
Our hearts, even kind,
Cannot imagine love so deep
That flows above our faults
And fills us, sprouting wings of hope
Attached upon our backs.
Smiling so innocent into deep crevasses
Healing all our desires
So the wounds of want leave us clean.
I look and seek the face of God
Surmise my life, breathe slowly,
Then shake my head in wonder
And gratitude
Who is God that He loves me?

Flash of Life

Places peaceful pass

flash, fluid freedom
a being, born,
cocooned, and growing:
memories moments
birth beginnings
grow, in seasons.
Hot sun, bright days
memories amassed
and built into a future, passing
to another
momentum, smiles, sadness, decisions,
slow progression of digression
into endings that send
peaceful places of passing
into waiting
for the fluid flash of beginnings.

Considering God is Tough Times

Consider Him who is faithful.


I turn dreams to heavy things,
Demanding, like a child.
I lose sight of vision
Staring at the present reality
As if it were the only one.

I seek the Lord for answers
Already given in the vision world
Of faith and certainty.

Oh faithless heart, distraction of my sight!
My soul grows faint in battle
With my soddened self.
I cry for mercy, relief from such a foe.

Mercy always comes. And such a sweet face.
The Lord smiles.
My soul finds rest in the gleam of His eye.
I stand again to move through one more day,
Just present reality,
And reach the vision set in trust for me.

Then there will be one more.

copyright Penstruck

God gives us hope in dark times.

Even after being a christian for many years, there are revelation moments, where I realize why or when or how I came to sadness, and sometimes hopelessness. I pray, examining the events, the words, the impressions, and how these chiseled me, bent me, and formed who I am today. I pray for healing and direction. I mourn. In such a dark time, God gave me hope.

"Forget the former things. Do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new work.
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
And streams in the wasteland." (Isa 43:18-19)

Desert soul, barren rock of dust despair,
Take heart. Begin again.
Fountains of the Lord spring forth,
Watering the land; pure pour of life.
The sand surrenders, and through the furrows,
Deep and etched with grief and battered dreams,
The Lord restores the stream.

Unconditionally, I recede,
Receiving God's love and so I am a field:
As yet, just plowed and planted,
Anticipating the days of thunder,
Sweet rainfalls of the Lord.

Look back no more to Egypt,
Little child upon the path,
The sorrow lies behind you,
Draw a wall now at your back.

Renew your mind and empty all the buckets
Filled with fear.
Throw them now behind you,
Draw the wall and hear:
The future, like white paper,
Smooth and shining, fresh and clean,
Stands before you now, draw the dream.

Trust in Me, child,
Spread your wings,
Glide upon the currents of My love.
Soar high like an eagle, proud against the sky,
Trust in Me, child, spread your wings,
In my freedom, spread your wings.

Life is Hard but God is Good

Sometimes I'm just world‑weary,
Daily living brings me down.
To pay the bills and just survive.......
There seems no easy ground.

I take a quiet pause in life,
Reflect upon the stars.
Those tiny lamps glow joyously
And somehow give me cause
To contemplate God's promises,
His words of love and hope,
That overshine the weary days
And gently help me cope.

...And flowers, blooming artfully,
Reveal the wealth of God.
They do not work or gather goods,
Yet so arrayed are they,
That all the money in the world
Could scarce clothe me that way.

And these, a season's beauty, pass.
How much more God will do
For me to bloom as beautifully,
If I will trust Him to.

New Year

Wedge the wind beneath me
Challenge my heart with hope
Within my walls of walking
Life lifts,
Tracking trials
Molding memories
Choosing
Past or present
Which
Can break barriers
Or construct concrete.
Smiles surpass
Clearly commence
The present prevails
I begin again.

Surely Joy Comes In The Morning

HIDE AND SEEK

Quiet morning rising,
Still darkness in my heart.
I reach out for a light
To cross the room.
Sleepy eyes, blurred in shadows.
Dull thoughts, searching through the gloom
For what has come before.

I draw back the curtains
To let the soft light
Filter through the room,
Seeking out reminders
Of what the Lord has done.

The shadows fail.
The soft, pale light of promise
Fills the room.
I turn to face this dawn:
Fresh hope and joy.

Christian Living

You are my life and breath,
My fiber, and the basis of my being.
You are the strength in my soul,
The keeper of the courage in my heart.

In the devastation of broken dreams,
Among the ruins of unrecognized hope,
You are the foundation for rebuilding
and rebirth,
The keeper of the courage in my heart.

Your Word is like a strong arm,
Your will a wall of safety.
You are faith itself, and never ending hope.
Though earthquakes rock my life
And split my dreams like paper
I cling to You, my constant source of strength,
Oh Lord, my hope and my eternal love.

You own my heart, and all that I have
Belongs to You.
What can I do that does not come from You?
What thought, or dream conceived,
Does not spring from Your creation?
I am, I am because You are,
Oh Lord.I am because You are.

Post Traumatic Stress in the Sixties

We know today that posttraumatic stress disorder is plaguing veterans. It took a long time for to admit that those who live with the constant threat of death are never the same. I remember when my husband returned from Vietnam. He was confused, angry, and finally, dangerous for me and my child to be around. I tried to get help from the Army and from the Veterans hospital, but no one knew then what we do now.
And I think also about growing up during the sixties, with the Cold war, the "duck and tuck" drills, the bomb shelters, and TV tests. I wonder sometimes if we all don't have just a shred of PTSD. That sense of fight or flight that leaves us jumpy, that lead us on the rebellious path that is the legacy of the sixties.
If we can dive into ourselves, and remember, we can help with the universal acceptance that man, in terms of both male and female, have difficulty taking lives in the exploding environment that is war, and then not expect these veterans to return to normality with the descent from the plane.
Acclamation into normality needs some time.
And, in the US today, what is normal? Don't we all share in the towers, in the fear? Of course, we live each day, we laugh, we go on, because that is the nature of man, to survive. But we can acknowledge, and have mercy.
I have lived with this sense of an impending threat since I was small, since I watched the TV, listened to adults talk about the bomb, about nuclear threats, and did the drills in school.
When I was 10, I wrote this poem:

I'd hate to be in a war
Even if I didn't get hurt.
To have some strange man come and say " I won you,"
I didn't know I was a prize.
Surprise!

Discovered

I saw my dreams today in your eyes.
That glance surprised me.
The dreams danced lightly,
Snapshots from the future
I keep, and no one knows.
But your eyes knew.

Jewels, my feelings,
Displayed within my heart,
Diamond fire on dark velvet:
Merchant's wares.
And I, so startled, thought,
"I have a fortress so secure",
Bright chambers for my dreams
And stalwart sentries
Guarding all my treasure.

Miser, I am,
Holding all of this, but safe.
Until I saw what frightened me:
That someone knew my soft and secret child.

And yet, I would not trade
Or lay these jewels aside.
The feelings they reflect
Glide across my heart, so silken,
And, within their folds,
I clamor through this fortress,
Opening my dreams to see
How you have come by them,
And how they nested in your eyes.

copyright penstruck

Faith

A door beyond vision
or
A place beyond touch.
What cannot be known, is.
Transparent substance
That sustains through trials
And leads, like a light,
Down the shadowed corridors
Of an unknown day.

Things beyond knowledge
Are known through the heart:
Planted by a word from God
That grows, perceptive in the Spirit,
Discerning what is
And has not been,
Yet.

copyright penstruck