God disarms me

Have you ever stopped in your tracks, realizing you are full of yourself? Our knowledge, our success, our achievements-these make us feel so proud and in control. Then, in a moment, we stop and realize we are not yielding to God, rather trying to make Him yield to us. Holding fast to the rudder of our destiny, all the while God is whispering “Let go”.

God disarms me.

Within my heart are many ways,

Each tumbles.

And over each is only One

Abiding peace, smooth steps of standing

Held fast and safe.

Revealed, this pride and jealousy and judgment:

The Word healed my blindness

Cut deep the weave of web that held my sin.

It burst forth, force, spilling onto the floor

So I could see.

Shame has gripped me

Realizing how I have filtered the Hand of God

Gripping it to guide, bend it to my will-

God would not, and still

His love remains.

Right now, I cannot lift my eyes to look at His loveliness

So sad, horrified, and shamed by the deceit I promoted.

I have done such damage to His plan

I cannot undo my hard thoughts and hard words

They hang in the past, billowing into my present.

I do know God, His true goodness

I feel I have taken advantage of His mercy

I can only lay, face down in His presence, begging mercy

I know He loves me always

I sorrow because I have misused the Great Love

I pray for strength to stand firm and not do it again.

God knows my heart. He remembers I am dust. I am reminded

That all I know, I want, I see, is but a wanton wisp of fleeting flesh

Fading in the light of eternity.